One year ago today, my favourite comedian Mitch Hedberg died. He was really the only comedian with whom I really connected. Sometime in early 2003, a group of my best buds and I drove up to the Ontario Improv to see him perform. It was awesome. My only gripe about that night is that I couldn’t stay for the next two shows he was to do.

I knew he was a drug user, as his comedy mentioned it from time to time, but I was always confused as to whether it was an overdose or a heart failure that ultimately caused his death. This Wikipedia entry on Mitch Hedberg mentions that,

Hedberg was born with a heart defect for which he received extensive treatment as a child. Though this condition initially had been cited as a possible cause of death, in May 2005 the New Jersey medical examiner’s office reported “multiple drug toxicity,” including cocaine and heroin, as the official cause of death. Results of the autopsy and toxicology reports were first reported by journalist Peter Hyman in the January 2006 edition of Spin magazine.

[More info can be found here by the guy who originally wrote that article.]

Even though people know I hold all life as precious, I’ve often told people that Mitch Hedberg has been one of the few celebrities that I’ve really been bummed about losing prematurely. I don’t mean to post this info about Mitch’s drug use to try and eclipse his comic genius and his gifts in an “I told you so” kind of way that many people around the internet are disrespectfully doing, but just to regretfully acknowledge what happened, because — heck, I didn’t know. So I mourn.

Before I end this post, two things. The first is that I thought this was really cool: From this interview in Filter magazine, found at Hedurgh.com:

Do you get a lot of fans coming up to you with their own “Hedbergian” jokes?
Oh yeah, yeah. A lot of people come up to me and they kinda talk like they think I talk, and they’ll tell me a joke. They’ll say, “Hey, I thought of a joke for you today.” It’s like, “What do you mean for me, man?” All it is is the way you’re talking. Just stop talking like that, and that joke is for you.

And the second is a collection of Mitch Hedberg jokes that I’ve never actually heard until I found this Wikiquote page on Mitch. None of these, to my knowledge, appear on his two CDs, Strategic Grill Locations and Mitch All Together. To find more of his material, check out Mitch Hedberg’s Official Site and follow the links around to his videos and fan sites which have more videos as well. In fact, if you’ve never seen or heard him, you should do that right now, because probably 51% of these jokes are his delivery style and so therefore, the effect of many of these jokes will probably be lost.

[Warning for the sensitive-of-hearing: yes, he uses profanity, but for as much as he uses those words, he's probably one of the least vulgar and harmless guys you'd ever meet. I realize this is long, but intentionally so. Those in livejournal land need not complain about me not using an LJ-cut; if you don't want to read, just scroll past.]

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?

A kitten bats around a ball of yarn but what he’s really saying is, “You know I can’t knit, motherf*cker.” That is one foul mouthed kitten.

I don’t like grouper fish. Well, they’re okay. They hang around star fish. [crowd is silent] …Because they’re grouper fish…

People teach their dogs to sit; it’s a trick. I’ve been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone. The dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I’m going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, “Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!”

I saw a fish all by itself, I said, “Dude, you should stay in school.”

This one time I was in a convenience store, and a guy came up and asked me, “What’s the score?” and I said, “What is the game? If it’s a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions he doesn’t give a shit about, then you are winning, one to nothing.”

You know, if I made orange juice, I would not be so hardcore on people. I would be more polite, like I would not print ‘shake well’ on the carton, cause you don’t know how good people can shake, you know? I would write, ‘Shake to the best of your ability.’ Then I’d have a diagram that shows the uninitiated how to shake. ‘Alright, put it over here, then put it over here, then put it over here quicker.’

I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, “Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don’t fall asleep or I will tip you over.”

The last Dawn dishwashing liquid commercial they had an oily duck and they cleaned it off. They said “Dawn dishwashing liquid cleans off a oily duck.” That’s a weird way to advertise a dishwashing liquid. We clean oily ducks and plates, so if you have an oily duck over for dinner we can help you in two ways.

I was in a restaurant and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don’t think the waitress heard me because she said, “OK, how would you like your eggs, sir?” I tried to answer anyhow: “Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Shit, it’s gonna take a while. I do not have time. Scrambled. You f*ckin’ confused me.”

I like swiss cheese. It’s the only cheese you can draw with a pencil and identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it’s cheddar. Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can bite and miss. “Hey Mitch – does that sandwich have cheese on it?” “Every now and then!” I got some swiss air on that bite.

I like cottage cheese. That is why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado. It would be devastating.

I like waffles better than pancakes. Because waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. They say to syrup, “you ain’t going anywhere, don’t even be trying to creep down the sides. Just rest in these squares, if one square is full, move on. When you hit butter, split up.”

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.

I like the hotels that have the rotating restaurants, you know? I’ve never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

Tortillas are sleeping bags for ground beef.

A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.

I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, “I’m mailing those cookies to my friend,” so I couldn’t have one. You shouldn’t make cookies untouchable.

I’m going to open up my own chain of comedy clubs, Price is Right style. There will be no one on the bill, just a bunch of people in the audience with name tags on. Then someone will get on the microphone, “John Chicattee come on down…. and you better be f*cking funny!”

(A Sunday show) This sign says “IMPROV”. I had a bad set on Friday night, so yesterday they put an “E” on the end of it.

I’m getting a good deal from this club — 50% of the door. Last night I got 50% of the door, and tonight I’m getting 50% of the door. Tomorrow, I’m going to go out and buy a door.

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn’t have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

This shit is funny, why are you guys not laughing? Well, actually, this is not funny shit. Funny shit would be if you took a shit, and it came out looking like…a sword.

That joke came from the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny.

I asked this guy for directions to the store. He said “Oh, that’s just a hop, skip and a jump away.” Well… that ain’t how I’m getting there. You got any directions for those who are walking?

Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

I called the hotel operator and she said, “How can I direct your call?” I said, “Well, you could say ‘Action!’ and I’ll begin to dial. And when I say ‘Goodbye,’ then you can yell ‘Cut!’”

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I’m upside down.

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don’t really know what’s happening down there. Who is the real hero?

I got a new car with satellite radio. After about thirty minutes I had to ask myself, “Shit, what should I buy?”

I saw a commercial that said, “Forget everything you know about slipcovers!” … So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, but I didn’t know what the hell they were.

Sometimes I get so pissed at my parents because they wanted to adopt. My sister could have been the love of my life, but now I’ll never know.

I was gonna stay over at my friend’s house. She says “You’re gonna have to sleep on the floor.” Damn gravity! Got me again. You don’t know how bad I wanna sleep on the wall!

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.

I saw this girl once, and she was born without arms. I spoke with her parents, and they said she doesn’t know the meaning of the word “can’t.” Poor girl, not only can she not wear bracelets, but she cannot embrace a simple contraction. Just take out some letters, put an apostrophe in there, and move it up!

This one guy said, “Look at that girl. She’s got a nice butt.” I said, “Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!”

Russians take shit too far. Roulette is fun and all, but no, those Russians had to take it one step further. How do you come up with a game like that anyways? Whatever they do, they do it with intensity. Who was in space first? I rest my case.

I bought a scratch-off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, “Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars.” I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, “Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry!”

Last night my friend drank 26 bottles of O’Douls… He is a non-alcoholic.

If you drink O’Doul’s, you’re not drinking. But if you drink 20 O’Doul’s in a half hour, you’re a f*ckin’ non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem, too; and there are symptoms, like when you fall down, it will always hurt.

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

I thought my teeth were white, until I washed my face with Noxzema. They’re not white, they’re off-white. Hell, I’m not even white, I’m off-white. We’re a new race, we will prevail!

I was in my hotel’s shower, and I started washing my hair, then I looked at the bottle, and it turned out I was using body wash. It was like a scene from one of those action movies where they get real close to the object. I was like, “Body wash… BODY WASH?!?” And then I realized my hair was part of my body and I didn’t even care.

Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!

Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!.”

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

It’s hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. “Whoa! Where’s my wallet? But, f*ck it, this song is funky…”

In my house I have a sliding glass door, and on it is a sticker that says “Warning: Alarm System”. And it’s a pretty simple alarm system, consisting of… a sticker.

I’d like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

People in a parade are cocky. They think they’ve attracted an audience, but really it’s just people waiting to cross the street. I could attract a crowd too if I stood in everyone’s way.

That would be cool if the Earth’s crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!

If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.

See, I’m a dreamer, man. And when I was a cook I’d always work with people who weren’t dreamers. Like, I was cooking at this restaurant and I put a hot dog on the grill and my kitchen manager came over, and he said, “Mitch, put the hot dog up here, in the right hand corner of the grill, so in case you get a whole bunch of orders at once you have all this space available.” See, that’s how I knew he wasn’t a dreamer, ’cause the day I give up my dreams is the day I have strategic grill locations. A dreamer has a philosophy: the entire grill is hot.

R.I.P., Mitch.